1. COMMENT ON THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF HIS GIRLFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND
It's lose-lose. Make an approving remark and her mate's a strumpet and you're a love rat in the making. Make a dismissive one and you're a shallow idiot who has insulted her closest friend's honour. Yawn and change the subject immediately.
2. ADMIT TO NOT HAVING SEEN THE GODFATHER
It deals with love, loyalty, family, mortality and the logistics of making impromptu bolognese for a roomful of people. In short all the problems we face as modern men. To have never seen it is a gaffe equal to a vicar admitting to not owning a bible. Keep your mouth shut and get thee to a DVD shop and rectify the mistake now.
3. BE ASHAMED TO READ INSTRUCTIONS
Whether it's flatpack furniture or installing the avionics in an Apache, there's always some idiot who dismisses the manual with disastrous consequences. Refusing to ask "how" doesn't make you Jason Bourne, it makes you George Bush in Iraq.
4. BE A PUB-ROUND POLYGAMIST
There you go flirting from group, accepting drinks and moving on, leaving thirsty friends and an unserviceable pint debt in your wake. It's people like you who are to blame for the credit
5. USE THE SUFFIX "-ISTA"
Except if you're involved in a discussion about the Sandinista -the Nicaraguan freedom fighters or the slightly iffy fourth Clash album. The word "Fashionista" makes you sound like a girl, "Guardianista" a bit like Richard Littlejohn, and "Barista" is merely pandering to the ego of someone who works in Starbucks.
6.SAY "I LOVE YOU" ON A SECOND DATE
Oh yes, it's true all women dream of romance. But not as much as they fear being stalked.
7.BEAT HIS NEPHEWS AT FOOTBALL
It's not big or dignified, particularly when you are making them go in goal for a penalty shootout. It also leaves you with no get-out clause when they're big enough to hand you a 5-0 shellacking.
8.WEAR SHORTS TO THE OFFICE
Can you really tell someone off if they can see your knees?
9.REFER TO A REALITY TV SHOW BY A DIMINUTIVE
If you must really waste your Saturday evenings in the vain hope that Alesha Dixon or Rachel Stevens might have a "wardrobe malfunction" then best you keep it to yourself and certainly don't ever refer to "Strictly..." in company.
10.WEARING CAMOUFLAGE CLOTHING
Unless, of course, it is mandatory for work. If you are over the age of 30, bear in mind that there is only one mature man who looks distinguished in disruptive patterns - and I'm afraid you are not General Sir Michael Jackson CBE.
11.ORDER TWO STARTERS IN LIEU OF A MAIN COURSE
If a man is to be judged by his appetite this just screams: "Indecisive, with the nutritional requirements of a sparrow ." This is the most effete thing that one can do in a restaurant, with the possible exception of sending back a steak for being "too bloody". Order the 14-course tasting menu with matched wine and for God's sake man-up.
12.SAY THANK YOU FOR "MAKING LOVE"
But nor should you ever apologize. Unless you've forgotten your Wallet.